Divorcing an angry Ex

I've said it before and I'll say it again. You never really know who you married until you divorce them. Anger in divorce is difficult to avoid, we are upset, we are sad, we are devastated, we are scared. There is the anger that we feel inside in terms of managing our own emotions but what sometimes also happens in divorce is that we are having to deal with an ex who is hell bent on taking out their anger on you.

Unfortunately, this not only makes the whole divorce even more difficult but it can also increase costs and the duration of the process itself.

We cannot control others, all we can do is control what we do. Knowledge is power and so here are some behaviours to watch out so that if they do happen, you understand that the emotion that is driving them.

Not following through with verbal agreements.

Some will agree to something verbally with you and then simply take it away in order to demonstrate how angry they are with you but also to show you that they still have control and power. The best way to avoid this, is to put in writing everything that has been agreed verbally. This isn't a guarantee that they will then follow through but at least then you have evidence that the other party is reneging on an agreement you came to.

False allegation of abuse

Another tactic is making you look bad, plain and simple. This often is acted out by making false allegations of abuse in the hope that you will then rage ( because you feel the injustice of it) and then this will simply back up their claim that you are abusive. The tip here is to realise that if there is abuse it has to be proven, and if you haven't been abusive then you realise that the allegation doesn't carry any weight. Hold on to your truth and realise that its a game that someone is playing. Don't play along, it will fade out.

Stalling the divorce process.

This tactic is often used in the production of documents. Each party has to produce financial documentation and often the tactic of deliberately delaying or simply not producing documents when asked making the process much longer than it needs to be. Your solicitor will know what to do here and if you are self representing, the answer to push things along is to initiate proceedings as then the court sets a timeline that both parties need to adhere to.

Pushing for full child residency

Angry ex partners often use children as conduits of their anger. This will often involve trying to push the former ex out of the children's lives and by not allowing access as much as the other parent is entitled to. Angry ex partners may also use parental alienation, causing the child to no longer want to see the other parent. There are many organisations out there that can assist with this, so make sure you get help if this happens to you. Every child deserves to have both parents in their lives.

Triangulation and flying monkeys

No, no a circus trick ! but a rather nasty tactic used by angry exes to discredit the other partner or parent. Triangulation is bringing in another to the group to bhis is often done by getting others "on side" with false information and making them look like the victim to the point where other parties take it upon themselves to attack the other parent without having full knowledge of the facts. Flying monkeys ( i.e. the army of friends, family and people) act on behalf of the angry ex so they end up by doing the work for them. The flying monkeys have been manipulated to believe the persona that the angry parent is portraying about the other parent/partner. These situations are not within your control and though this is will be a hard recommendation to take on board but you do actually need to ignore the attempts to discredit you. If people are willing to judge someone based on another's opinion rather than their own, they are not worth knowing.

If you would like to discuss any of the aspects above or anything else around the divorce process, feel free to drop me a line at your.divorce.coach@icloud.com or book in for a free 15 minute discovery call to see how we can work together or reducing the cost, confusion and conflict in your divorce process.