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  • Nawal Houghton - Your Divorce Coach

How the Narcissist uses Sex to control

Narcissists are dangerous.


Control, projection, gaslighting and manipulation are just a few of the techniques used to devalue and undermine you and these techniques are used in a Narcissist's sexual relationships also.


Relationships and especially sexual ones are a delicate duo, and one that requires both partners to be equally committed, engaged and present in what’s going on mentally, physically and emotionally. When one partner fails to this, the entire equation becomes unbalanced. This is why narcissists cannot be healthy relationship partners.


The ultimate goal for the narcissists is the ability to control through sex, by using manipulation and coercion.


What are the signs that I am looking out for?


The narcissist will not look to form a healthy connection in their sexual relationship but rather be more interested in what it looks like. It's more an emphasis on the physical side of this relationship rather than the emotional connection that can be created.


Though narcissists are very romantic in the early stages of the lovebombing, this quickly regresses and the first areas that this change is seen is in the bedroom. Once the narcissist feels that they have a hold on you, their sexual needs and desires become paramount and it is no longer a mutually fulfilling relationship. The narcissist does not see partners as a person but rather something to serve their needs, an object. Your desires in the bedroom quickly become seen as selfish requests and you are then guilted into providing them with what they want. They weaponise sex and convince their partners that they are owed sex. They lower your self esteem and destroy your self confidence. They will make you question whether you are desirable, attractive and competent in the bedroom.


Along with this selfish desire to have their sexual needs met, comes the neglect of yours.

Your needs are not recognised and you are often left empty and feeling alone after a sexual interaction with the narcissist. You feel you have been taken advantage of.


The narcissist will often push you into performing acts that you do not want to take part in. This is coercion coming into play. You may be coerced into performing sexual acts that you are not comfortable with. If you try and resist or establish a boundary, the narcissist will rage and act out. It is often the fear of this acting out, that makes us then partake in an act that we did not voluntarily want to and then allows for the cycle of feeling alone and detached from a sexual perspective with the Narc, to repeat itself. The narcissist uses this technique to seize control here and this act of devaluing you makes you feel insecure, you develop a very low sense of self worth and this cycle makes you continue to give the narcissist what he/she wants in order to make the relationship work. The narcissist may also withhold love, intimacy or sex in order to teach you that they must be obeyed at all cost and the consequences when you do not comply.


The narcissistic rage means that often a sexual relationship with them turns into sexual abuse or domestic violence. If this is the case for you please contact me privately, and I can direct you to the help that you need.



The narcissist will also demonstrate other traits such as infidelity. Sexual narcissists especially are involved in a higher degree of infidelity than other narcs. They will often project this infidelity and/or tell you that the reason for their infidelity is to do with you.


If you are divorcing, separating from or having to manage the narcissist in your life, and need help navigating and strategising the narcissist, please do get in touch with me on nawal@yourdivorcecoach.org.uk and visit my site here, please fee free to join my free private facebook group for narcissistic abuse survivors.


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